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[Thursday,
December 23rd, 2004] |
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new journal.
you know you wanna add it.
:D
livejournal.com/users/constantly___
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) constantly___
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[Thursday,
December 23rd, 2004] |
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music |
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bruce springsteen |
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i keep having this dream about him.
ive been having it for the past 3 nights.
the exact same dream.
it isnt a bad dream i must say.
i love it.
its on IM.
its amazing.
the way he can make me feel by just talking to me. haha...
i just wish he could say them in real life
and mean them.
oh lord
heaven.
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[Wednesday,
December 22nd, 2004] |
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mood |
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 happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the beatles |
] |
my beautiful afternoon and night with two of my favorite woman, Gina and Ceci.
( anything but ordinary... )
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[Monday,
December 20th, 2004] |
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haha
i really dont think
its HUMANLY POSSIBLE
for someone to love someone
as much
as i
love
him.
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[Sunday,
December 19th, 2004] |
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im so tierd of trying to find something that isnt there
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[Saturday,
December 18th, 2004] |
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i play my music in my cd player instead of at turntable
mix cdes are a proclamation of true love
(much like mix tapes in the 80's)
but really
everything i exactly the same
to shrink even smaller
i tell myself that everone falls in love the exact same way
and there is NOTHING sepcial about us and how we feel for each other
its all been done before
and its been done so much better
so why do we even bother?
maybe i enjoy remixing the same words and feelings
to make them my own
ut in the end its all just feelings and words and pretty mataphors.
christian doesnt have my heart
he has the heart in my brain
the sloppy words of peoms and songs i write
the curve of my index fingers and thumbs touhcing to make a hand heart.
and i can say it beats for her
but thats a lie to
my 6th grade teacher told us the heartbeat is involuntary
meaning you cant stop it
it just beats on and on and you dont have any control over it
you dont think about it
it just beats.
sometimes i feel ashamed for all the stupid times i laughed at teenage love
and now look at me
im a glowing example
i am the demonstration
i am the diagram and charts
im all the sappy words and sugary feelings and theres NO difference
none
and everyone i ridiculed is throwing tomatoes at ME
sometimes the boys and girls
walking down the hall together
holding hands
or making out against lockers
make me want to scream
but i cant
because i am just like, just as bad as them.
there is nothing special about falling in love
this is habit
this is routine
this is a learned
natural
ability.
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[Wednesday,
December 15th, 2004] |
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what do you do
when youve found your prince
but
your
not
his princess
...
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[Monday,
December 13th, 2004] |
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fill it ooooottt.
I_____ Ava.
Ava is ____.
Ava needs _____.
I want to ____ Ava.
Someday Ava will _____.
Ava reminds me of _______.
Without Ava _______.
The worst thing about Ava is _______.
The best thing about Ava is ______.
I think Ava should ______.
Ava makes me want to ______.
If I could spend the day with Ava, I'd _________.
I'd _____ for Ava.
Ava is the _____.
If I could be Ava for a day, I'd ______.
I want to give Ava a(n) ________.
The song ______ by _____ reminds me of Ava.
Ava is like a(n) ______.
Ava should be going out with ______.
Ava would do well with _____.
If I didn't know any better, I'd say Ava was _______.
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[Sunday,
December 12th, 2004] |
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Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before
I want to vanish inside your kiss
Every day I love more and more
Listen to my heart, can you hear it sings
Telling me to give you everything
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time
Chorus:
Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace
Suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste
But our world revolves around you
And there's no mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song I'll be there by your side
Storm clouds may gather
And stars may collide
But I love you until the end of time
Chorus
Oh, come what may, come what may
I will love you, I will love you
Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place
Chorus
beautifull.
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[Friday,
December 10th, 2004] |
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mood |
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 blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the beatles |
] |
trange.
strange strange.
today is friday.
i cant believe it.
yesterday i was running around in my underwear with my best freind in my room at 6 years old.
now im thirteen.
im fucked up.
im in love.
i listen to rock n roll'.
im a perv.
time goes by to fast.
no more boys with cooites.
no more loving my parents.
no more them loving me.
no more mismatched shoes.
no more mismatched clothes.
time goes by to fast.
way to fast.
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[Thursday,
December 9th, 2004] |
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mood |
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 intimidateddd |
] |
| [ |
music |
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pink floyd |
] |
you dont know what you do.
everytime you walk into the room.
im afraid to move.
im weak.
its true.
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[Wednesday,
December 8th, 2004] |
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mood |
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 crussshed. |
] |
| [ |
music |
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pink floyd |
] |
its so lonely in here.
yet you inspire me.
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| mmmm...i love you? |
[Wednesday,
December 8th, 2004] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 loveishness |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the radio |
] |
hes the first,
and only,
person i have ever.
ever ever.
told them directally that i like them.
and i even told him that i love him.
i bet ive told him a billion times over.
so atleast he knows.
thats good.
in some cases.
i believe him now to.
i just,
did.
and i like it.
i love it.
i love this feeling.
i love the thought of being in love.
its quite,
loveishable.
yes.
its also quite good to vent.
i hated it at first tonight.
i was scared of the reaction.
infact.
i was REALLY scared of the reaction.
but it didnt turn out as bad
as i thought it would.
yes.
you all should try it someone.
you know whats really fun?
smiling at someone you dont know.
it really fucks with there heads.
you just walk down the street
and someone walks by
or drives by
in thier car
you just give them a smile
they could be thinking anything.
haha.
i find this thought amusing.
do me a favor and smile at someone you dont know today.
k??
it really fucks with there head.
and yes by the way.
that is my eye in the background pic.
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| and BTW i kinda hate your fuckedupness to |
[Monday,
December 6th, 2004] |
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mood |
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IHAVENOCLUE. |
] |
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music |
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pink floyd |
] |
kjrabtpiaoeuta. my heart is POUNDING out of my chest.
i can feel it.
in and out.
in and out.
see. this is what the poor boy does to me.
he gives me these love breakdowns and heart attacks.
you know. I DONT EVEN GET how i liked him.
i mean he would enver even talk to me in person.
and if he did.
it wouldnt even be HIM.
it would be ME trying to START a conversation.
like the ONE time i think ive even heard him call my name.
was at recess oneday.
and it happend to be a day that i had my guitar.
and he was tlaking to someone else.
and he called me down so that someone else could do something for me.
and then on the first day of school i think around then.
he was walking by.
and this was before he knew i liked him.
and i said somehting crazy to him.
only becos im a crazy person.
but im still awesome.
and i was like you know you love me.
and he said "yeah i do"
and then. i got happy.
even thought i knew.
he didnt mean it like that.
i got happy.
haha. im such a retard.
i love the little things.
i love love love them.
and on the internt today.
i was like " I LOVE YOU "
for some rearted reason.
and then he said.
"and of course i love you too."
and that made me feel happy too.
cos the word LOVE was never used in our conversations before.
unless i was tlaking to him about how i felt about him.
of course.
there is so many songs/poems ive written about him in the past week.
how i love him.
how hard it is to pretend to everyone that i dont love him.
mostly how hard it is to pretend to HIM that i dont love him.
at first i didnt get it.
i mean, i thought we had everything in common.
except he has uber hot guitar hands.
and these big beautiful eyes.
and i dont.
but everything besides that.
i thought we had in common.
i mean we even had TELEPATHIC skills with each other.
i told this to loren.
she said to me "it doesnt matter if you guys are exactly alike. it doesnt mean that hes gonna like you"
or something like that.
gee thanks loren.
but you never know.
i hate how fucked up i am.
i hate how fucked up THIS is.
screw me.
screw him to.
wait no i didnt just say that.
screw me.
yeah not him.
me.
me is horrible.
him is great ness.
CRG is love.
im totally giving myself away again.
its amazing how one LITTLE sentence can do that to me.
i just wasted a whole lotta room on him to.
wait no.
its not a waste.
god im being such a fucking retard.
jtkna;elitubae;toae.
i need to go write a song.
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[Saturday,
December 4th, 2004] |
| [ |
mood |
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indescribable |
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| [ |
music |
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the beatles |
] |
i had a dream. a real dreaming sort of dream. brfore you were there i can remember small bits and peices. kissing a boy with a very angular mouth. kissing another boy with a softer mouth. this is very frustrating and it makes my palms itch. when you arrive in my dream, i cling to you. you tell me that you were driven here from singapore, that its only an hour away but you cant stay long. we lie on my bed and i hold you so tight.
my eyes keep welling up with tears but i cant quite cry. a swollen lump beneath my throught is waiting to explode. and oh lord does it hurt. whyd you do this? it feels so good to be in love with the world but you arent home and that makes it difficult. im in love with you most. and its not something that i had to try to do or work at or even something that grew or expanded, it jus simpley was.
I said "hello, here's my heart, you can have it. youre the only one who deserves it." my hands and lips are wilting without you. slowly curling into themselves and becoming rustic-looking. the words are dry with you.
losing this game,
ava.
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[Wednesday,
December 1st, 2004] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
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| [ |
music |
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the beatles |
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YAY FOR NOT LIKEING CHRISTIAN ANYMORE ISH!
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[Wednesday,
December 1st, 2004] |
| [ |
mood |
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crushed |
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music |
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the beatles |
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dqbarnwell 9 7: you know that everyone in the school hates you and christian now because you were mean to ben
of course davey. thanks for brightening my already shitfucked dy.
in science:
Alex-"ava, everyone in the school hates you and christian now, like literally, everyone"
at lunch/recess; sitting on the hill with christian and jacob:
gina&&davey&&sophie-"ava whythefuck didnt you get mad at christian! i mean i know you like him and everything but that doesnt mean that you have to like agree with everything christian does! god ava, your turning into such a bitch."
ive also realized. that christian. is. never. gonna. like me...ever.
this raises my happyness to a -500000000089708754784652742079855627.
yup yup.
so there fore. ive also realized, i should probably stop likeing him.
at all.
even tho, i know im lieing to myself, cos i know i am gonna like him.
but i can atleast try not to.
its like saddening me to much knowing hes never even gonna be a good freind.
or atleast a freind.
A;SJHDFJAKGTADDHA;.
im good.
o and therefore.
my conclusion is.
i must like.
become bailey somehow.
or atleast look like her.
and maybe someday in another world.
he'll like me.
the end.
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| christian.r.g. |
[Tuesday,
November 30th, 2004] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sick |
] |
| [ |
music |
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my chemical romance |
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i dumped ben today and i feel real bad. but so many people have been pissing me off. like right when i get online 18 people IM saying "wtf do you think you did? ben loved you!" i was like, get a life. its my life, not yours. its my feelings, if i decide i dont like ben anymore, then i dont like even anymore, capeesh.
anyway. i love christian again. and god damn i hope he doesnt read this. ha. like, i really never did stop loving him. once youve loved someone that much, you cant really just STOP. its hard to do, i would know. haha. i talked this over with loren, but i think i have a hand fetish. haha. like, i just noticed today, when i was looking at christians hands, that whenever i like a guy, i always look at there hands first. like i was looking at christians hands today and i fell in love with them. haha. dont ask. but there like, uber guitar hands. i can tell guitar hands when i see them.
and most of all. out of all the physical things i could possoibly love about christian. i love his eyes. thats why i always stare at him. he probably thinks its because im a stalker or something but its because his eyes are so amazing i just love looking at them. haha. im so wierd. but really, his eyes ARE amazing. there so HUGE, and like, this really pretty color blue, but its like, watery. his eyes are like rain. this sounds really wierd, but im a poet, so this is how i explain things. haha. yea so im done bragging about christian.
okay no i lied.
actually yea i am.
im tierd of him being my only topic.
it bores everyone.
im also deiciding weather or not to try out for the school play. its not a musical this year. its just a play. and i suck at acting. the only reason i did the play last year is cos i was able to sing in it. even though i dropped out and loren got my part.
and by the way i think im sick. i threw up yesterday and fainted and had this huge headache, and today i threw up and now my stomach hurts so bad it feels liek im gonna die. its scary tho cos whenever i throw up its always after i eat. so now i cant eat without throwing up after. i was so scared about it i skipped dinner today.
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[Sunday,
November 28th, 2004] |
| [ |
mood |
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 in love |
] |
| [ |
music |
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the beatles |
] |
yea. loren gave me the link. so here is my night with loren, ben, alex, and henry. :-)
( ITS ALL COS WERE COOL LIKE THIS )
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